As midnight rolls around, I will add another ring on my tree of life. There has been nothing remarkable about the last 34 rings of my tree. In fact, with the addition of the past 13 rings, I have grown more and more abhorrent of the fact that I am in fact aging. I have tried time and again, to ring in another year of life on a celebratory note because yes, I have much to celebrate… An extremely patient and loving husband, two beautiful children, a trying but rewarding job, my health, my wealth, and always the basics… plentiful food and shelter for myself and my family. So what drove me to this blog you ask?
As I ring in my 35th, I decided I need an outlet – a spot to let my mind speak freely and with a little luck without consequence. A spot to let myself go wandering to ponder what it is and what I am. I think best when I am writing… not when I am speaking and in a sense, I am speaking to myself more so than to the eyes of my reader. Why were there tears in my eyes today as I realized that my 35th would be no better than any other birthday I have ever had?
It’s simple really. I have very high expectations with only a tiny grip on reality.
Rewind… August 25, 1997. The following day was going to be a blast because I was turning 21 and I was in the most beautiful city to celebrate, San Diego, California. I had big plans for the night… hit up the Gaslamp District and dance the night away drinking sangria at what would turn out to be my spot, Café Seville. Sounds good, right? Funny thing is, I don’t remember much about it now and that’s not because I was intoxicated beyond repair either. It’s because I didn’t depend on myself to make it the good time I imagined. I ended up at some bar called Dick’s Last Resort… and it was literally a dick’s last resort. My “friends” weren’t interested in sipping sangria and trying to learn to salsa or meringue. They weren’t interested in the memory I wanted for my day. And so it begins…
To tell the truth, I just don’t remember much about my birthdays at all anymore. Yes, I have a very faulty memory, but I really don’t think that’s why I don’t remember. They just are never significant anymore. I used to have a group of what I thought were very close girlfriends who turned out to not know me at all…. Or better phrased not care at all. How are you going to throw me a party in my own house, leave a hot mess, stick candles for my Tiffany candleholder in a damn cheesecake and call it a good night? Do you not know me at all??? Or even better are the past few years I have spent with friends that I would visit in Ohio. (Mental note… why am I doing the traveling on my birthday to visit friends???) A friend who would turn around and get upset with me for not chauffeuring her around the DMV on an unexpected trip to visit her sister.. Not me! Any who… I have to add that it’s not always “friends” who devastate me on my birthdays; Mother Nature has had her way with me too. Thunderstorms… power outages, you name it!
Fast-forward August 26, 2009… I finally learned my lesson so I thought to just tone it down and not expect too much celebrating. And if you are reading this my dearly beloved, I got to tell you now, I hate ice cream cake! I was wondering that day what you were thinking. I didn’t say anything then, and it’s not really a big deal, but I was kind of sulking that day because while it was sweet, it was more for the kids than it was for me. Darling, I also hate cinnamon, caramel, and rugs with frill. Just FYI.
So now it’s present day 2011. Here I am! 35 and looking pretty damn good I think after two kids decided I would never wear a size 4 ever again. Despite that, I have a super sexy ridiculously overpriced red dress hanging in my closet that somehow manages to make me look like I actually have an ass. It’s fabulous. I was going to dawn that number tomorrow night for my 35th debut at Oya Restaurant and Lounge in DC with a handful of what I thought were great friends… Oh and they got their invite months ago might I add. Long story short… One turned out to be a one-way friendship and another turned out to be…. I can’t even describe. Just selfish. I was told that due to her beliefs, she no longer celebrates birthdays. Wow. Just wow. Then Mother Nature had her way with me again, and knocked another friend out of the equation. It’s just too much to take… hence the tears but then the light!
I’m going to take something from this. One… I’m going to have an outlet that doesn’t have a heart. It’s not right to direct your hurt and anger at an unsuspecting victim, so my new friend, http://supattal.blogspot.com/, will just have to bare the brunt. Two, I am done with unrealistic expectations, especially from unrealistic friends who in reality I kept around because only every now and then something brilliant would come out of their mouth, but really it was just a sad comedy show most of the time. But I am a humanitarian and will let you have your dignity by letting you show your own self to the door. Three… Why after all these years have I been relying on friends to ring in another year with me? To my husband, it’s should have been you, it’s always been you, and it will always be you from now on on my special day… my love and best friend.
Tomorrow, I will go to work and have a productive day. I will pick up my beloved children and spend my birthday with them. And what of my “friends” you ask? I will have a real friend by my side as well who drives on the two-way street of friendship. Not all is lost… ;-)
Also… Eff you Hurricane Irene. That is all.
